We have had a makeover!

This Charming Boy is beginning to look a bit prettier, don't you think? Thank you so much to +elevatormusikblog who designed the template!

the diary of a groovy chick

During my recent house move, I came across a box where I had stashed all of my diaries over the years, since the age of 11. I had a good laugh reading through them and thought it would make a nice blog series! Starting with this.

My fluffy pink, groovy chick journal. For a reason I can't recall I thought her skin would be much more appealing biro blue. Here is the first entry... for reference, Becky was my best friend at the time, we spent a lot of time together and it's reflected in the diary!

Friday 6th July 2001,

Great week, me and Becky didn't fall out once. I am so sick of her counting in Spanish though. And she has been moaning a lot, saying how much she wants to go out with Johnny, (I don't like him any more, since he kissed me at kissy cats. He is so ugly) I also decided Abby isn't very nice, we find out which teacher we get for year 6, I really hope it's Mrs Garner or Mrs Brown and not Mrs Chatterton, I hate her short hair.

I will write in you tomorrow.

five things that made me happy this week

1) Having one of my closest friends Amy, round to visit. I don't get to see her often as she lives in Blackpool so it was a lovely afternoon! It also gave Freddie the chance to show off his owl costume.

Twit twoo!

2) Going for my first interview since graduating, for an absolute dream job. I feel like the interview went as well as it could have done, if nothing else I gained some more interview experience and got the chance to wear my new cigarette cut trousers.

I usually avoid high waisted trousers because I'm quite hippy. (not in a good way.) But these from F&F at Tesco are lovely! I just hope they get me the job. No pressure, trousers. Also, check out Fred's 'so bored of shopping' face. Sorry kid.

3) Meeting my best friends Jasmin and Cathy for lunch in the northern quarter, (when I say lunch I mean a massive piece of cake) and a trip to the Manchester Central Library. The library has recently reopened after four years of refurbishment, it used to be my favourite place, it is such a beautiful building. The under ground has a really good children's section, with sensory play and more books than a 6 month boy could ask for. Which is none, in fairness.

4) Going on a date with Austin. My mum had Freddie for the night, and we went for a meal in Manchester, (we wanted to go to Red's Barbecue which I can't WAIT to go to but we were starving and the queue was out of the door. We said we would go to whatever restaurant we went past next, which happened to be Frankie and Benny's.) We also went for a couple of drinks in the northern quarter (do I ever go anywhere else? I feel like I write 'northern quarter' all of the time.) and then home for an undisturbed nights sleep. Which didn't happen because I still woke up when Freddie wakes up in the night, which is 5 am, then when he normally gets up for the day at 6:30. Obviously.

5) Today was Mother's Day, and me and my sister's organised a champagne afternoon tea for her at my house after finding out every other place in the world was fully booked. It turned out to be a lovely day and I will do a post this week on how we put it together! It was also my first Mother's Day, which I totally keep forgetting, still getting used to this 'mum' business.

what I wish I had known

I am the only one of my friends to have a baby, and so I always get asked, 'but what is being a mum actually LIKE?' and you obviously have to reply, 'oh its wonderful! I wake up every morning to the birds chirping at my window, and  little swallows pull my curtains open to let the glorious sunshine sweep into the room, while my perfect baby makes ne'er a whimper as the squirrels fetch him a clean nappy and...' something like that. Actually, I am usually banging my head against a wall by about 4 o'clock. Here are the things I wish I had known before Freddie was born, so I could have mentally prepared myself.

1) The kid hates naps. While I was pregnant (and actually in the first couple of weeks of his life) I just took it for granted that babies take nice big long naps. Oh the things I would do with two hours! I could clean, I could make dinner, and read, and watch Friends, and drink brews and bake and... no. Fred soon cottoned on that it was much more exciting to stay awake, even if being awake meant shouting his head off for a couple of hours, having a refreshing 20 minute catnap, then do some more shouting. People told me he would grow out of it but I am still waiting.

2) PMS. Oh god the PMS. Before I had Fred, I never, ever suffered from PMS. Ever. When I heard friends complain about being moody and grumpy I would laugh along and shrug it off. Now, I don't know what happened in the process of giving birth, if all of my hormones had a big meeting and decided to cause some absolute mayhem every month for a week. Sorry Austin.

3) Poosplosions. Do I even need to say anymore?

4) Going bald. Or, if you want the technical term, Post-Partum Hair Loss. Apparently it happens to all  most women, the lush, thick, glossy hair we are blessed with begins to fall out as the pregnancy hormones that made it that way leave our body, along with all of our hair. It isn't noticeable to anybody but me (yet) and Austin, who is always asking me why there is a big hair ball in his sock.

5)The bottom of the washing basket is a myth.

6) There will be times when Fred won't stop crying, I won't know why he's crying, and after about two hours of non-stop screaming I google it, FREAK OUT, then he'll do a huge burp and laugh in my face.

7) You will spend a ridiculous amount of money on concealer and highlighters - start saving now.

8) That he will like to play a game that goes, be outside in the pram and lovely and quiet and napping, go in a shop and start screaming hysterically, go outside and be perfectly fine again. Rinse and repeat.

9) BF (Before Fred) I could take or leave coffee. Now I'm somewhat of a connoisseur.

10) The sheer, ridiculous, unconditional and indescribable love I would have for this tiny boy I made.

what about Fred?

What about Fred.

So, I spend a pretty large chunk of my time, both trying to decide what I want to do with my life, and applying for jobs I think I like the sound of. After deciding journalism wasn't for me, I felt a bit lost. I had always clung to writing, it was just what I was going to do, until I had to face the fact that I didn't actually want to do it. Tricky.

Now what?

Well, I got a call back this morning from an advertising internship company in Manchester, as they liked my CV, and I did a 10 minute telephone interview, and got asked to come in tomorrow to do a video CV. EXCITING. Did I say exciting? I meant ohgodohgodIfeelsicknervousohgodvideo?ohgod. 'Are you free to come in tomorrow?' She asked. Well no tomorrow I am actually very busy but obviously I said YES WHAT TIME I'LL BE THERE 2 HOURS EARLY.

But what about Fred?

Was my first thought. Firstly, who will watch him while I go for the interview? Then, who will watch him for the three months that I am actually there? Then, but who will watch him if I actually get a job out of this? Followed by a barrage of thoughts. Do I want a job? Do I want to leave him? Could I? Freddie is my number one utmost priority at all times, and any decision I make has to be the best thing for him. I have to weigh up being a good role model for him regarding working and ambition, vs being there for him every second of the day. The thought of missing any of his firsts fills me with dread. At almost 6 months old I haven't been away from him for a day of his life, and have witnessed the first smile, the first laugh, the first tastes, rolling over, sitting up... then what? Crawling, steps, words. Would I miss all of that? They won't come round again.

Such a headache. A mammoth, mum guilt head ache. I know I want to work, I have to. I love staying at home with Freddie, but I also know I need to work, for me. So that the last decade of my life slogging my guts out in education and unpaid work experience roles weren't for nothing. But when I sit down and think about what day to day life will entail, it makes me sad. When will I see him? After the commute, I will have an hour tops with him before bedtime. And weekends. I'd feel a bit like a weekend parent. I don't want that.

But, I also don't want to be 50 years old, with my children grown up around me, doing their own thing, and my (eventual, COUGH AUSTIN) husband in a good position in a career he has loved. I love my son, and I love Austin, but a born housewife I am not.

What do I do?

it's not much to look at...

Don't think I don't know my blog is ugly and plain. I know. It hurts your eyes after seeing all of the pretty ones with the flowers and the nice pictures.

I know.

I'm working on it, okay?

isn't that what old people get?

You may remember on a recent post, I mentioned Fred's hospital appointments. (Or not, readers? Anyone? HELLO?) I would like to discuss it here - partly because it is a big part of our lives and I want to be able to be honest as I build my blog, and partly because some parts of the past five and a half months have been very, very difficult sometimes, and it would be quite cathartic to get it all out.

So, the day after he was born, a paediatrician came to do Freddie's new born checks. After cradling my tiny boy and staring at him all night, I was pretty sure everything would be fine. Reluctantly, I handed him over for his MOT. The doctor chatted to me about my first night while she checked his head and soft spots, the roof of his mouth and his tongue, listened to his heart beat and breathing patterns, all (all.) of his digits and his spine. She checked him for clicky hips. She held him and let him drop for a couple of seconds (WHAT? She could have warned me, I think I stopped breathing for a second.) Everything seemed fine. As she peered into his eyes with her, um, eye testing device, her face changed. She frowned. She stood up straight and looked at Fred, changed the settings on her little instrument, bent down and had another look. Still a frown. Oh god. What was wrong? I asked if everything was okay. She forced a smile and said she wants another doctor to come and have a look at Freddie's left eye. Isn't this every parent's worst nightmare? I was on my own at this point, as visiting hours weren't for another two hours. I tried to stop the lump in my throat from becoming full on sobs as a second doctor confirmed that Freddie has no red reflex in his left eye, and that it looked like a cataract. I tried to take it all in, but I felt sick. I held Freddie tight through talks of professional consultations and the rarity of the situation. Austin came as soon as he was able, and tried to remain positive. These weren't proper eye doctors, wait to see what the professionals say. Fred is only a tiny baby and still forming really, perhaps it is just a bit of debris from the birth. Everything will be fine. Don't worry. As visitors came and went, I forced a cheery smile and nodded as everybody said they are sure everything will be fine. But I knew.

A couple of weeks later, at a local eye clinic, a lovely doctor in a spotty bow tie confirmed Freddie had a cataract, and that his vision in his left eye was severely compromised. His right eye was perfectly fine and healthy, which was a blessing. My auntie came with me to the appointment, which I am so grateful for, she listened to what the doctor said while I tried to catch my breath through tears. I would be fine, and pull myself together, and all it would take was one glimpse at Freddie, sleepy in his pram and unaware of what was going on. My perfect baby boy. He explained that when you take a picture with a flash on, and you get that annoying red eye, if somebody were to take a picture of Freddie with a flash, he would have no red eye in his left eye, because in a healthy eye, the light would go to the back of the eye and bounce back out, but there was a dark cloud obscuring Freddie's lens and causing a blockage of light. This doctor referred us to the Manchester Royal Eye Hospital, to see a doctor who specialised in childhood cataracts, who discussed the next possible steps with us. We were told that for any possibility of saving Freddie's vision, they had to operate ASAP. At this point he was three weeks and two days old, and his operation was scheduled for the day he turned four weeks.

after the doctor mentioned the flash effect, I looked back over my pictures of Freddie and found this one. I hadn't noticed the cataract at the time, but it is quite clear if you look close.

When the day of the operation rolled round, me and Austin were a bag of nerves. We weren't allowed to feed him anything for four hours before the operation, as his operation was scheduled for 9 AM, he had last eaten at 5, and as would obviously be the case, the operation was delayed for an hour and Freddie was tired and hungry. After going some preliminaries of weight, age, and allergies, the nurse called us in, and asked which one of us wanted to be with him while he was put under anaesthetic. Obviously we both wanted to do it, but I had to go. I couldn't have not been with him through that, and this, for me, was the worst part of Freddie's entire journey with his eye so far. He was screaming and kicking while the anaesthetist put the mask over his face, and as he was crying and breathing so hard it worked almost straight away. The lump in my throat turned into full on sobs as the doctors wheeled him away into theatre, and the nurse hugged me and assured me he was in the best possible hands. I knew that, the doctor operating on him is a leading researcher in congenital cataracts, but there is nothing that could have prepared me for this, and I counted down the hours until we were called back in, two hours later when it was finally over.

a brave, sleepy boy.

We found Freddie in the arms of a nurse, groggy and sleepy, with a big bandage around his eye, and a cannula bandaged to his little hand. He was too sleepy to eat, even though he hadn't had a bottle in seven hours. He stayed asleep all day, waking occasionally for a little whimper and went back to sleep. Me and Austin stayed next to him all day, taking it in turns to go on coffee and magazine runs. Eventually he came round, just as Austin had to go home. Me and Freddie stayed in overnight, him still hooked up to machines. Neither of us slept a wink, until I gave in and begged the nurses to take him off the monitors at 5 am, I put him on my chest and he went straight to sleep.

The next few weeks were a blur of contact lenses, eye patches, 16 eye drops a day, ointments, and weekly hospital visits. Now, at 5 and a half months, everything is much easier. No more drops, 6 weekly hospital visits, and no more contacts! Freddie's vision has improved much, much faster than they expected, and they don't prescribe contacts for his prescription, so he is wearing glasses, for a few hours a day. Very cute, but also very impractical, he has no problems pulling them straight off his face. But we are getting there.

one intelligent looking kid

If you made it to the end of this blog post, congratulations! I know it isn't the most cheery, or relevant post. But as I said, I plan on treating this blog as my diary, and no doubt in future posts I will be referring to Freddie's patch, or glasses, or the hospital, or future operations. When Freddie was first diagnosed, I scoured the internet for information, or somebody who has experienced what we are going through, but Fred's condition was so rare, I couldn't really find anything, so I hope that anybody who has to go through the same thing will find some comfort from the fact that they are not alone! And it really does get so much easier. At four weeks old, the doctors predicted Freddie's vision will be perfect when he is 5 or 6, reception age we were told, but since then, he has improved so rapidly it is now more like 3 or 4. The kid is made of kryptonite.