what I wish I had known

I am the only one of my friends to have a baby, and so I always get asked, 'but what is being a mum actually LIKE?' and you obviously have to reply, 'oh its wonderful! I wake up every morning to the birds chirping at my window, and  little swallows pull my curtains open to let the glorious sunshine sweep into the room, while my perfect baby makes ne'er a whimper as the squirrels fetch him a clean nappy and...' something like that. Actually, I am usually banging my head against a wall by about 4 o'clock. Here are the things I wish I had known before Freddie was born, so I could have mentally prepared myself.

1) The kid hates naps. While I was pregnant (and actually in the first couple of weeks of his life) I just took it for granted that babies take nice big long naps. Oh the things I would do with two hours! I could clean, I could make dinner, and read, and watch Friends, and drink brews and bake and... no. Fred soon cottoned on that it was much more exciting to stay awake, even if being awake meant shouting his head off for a couple of hours, having a refreshing 20 minute catnap, then do some more shouting. People told me he would grow out of it but I am still waiting.

2) PMS. Oh god the PMS. Before I had Fred, I never, ever suffered from PMS. Ever. When I heard friends complain about being moody and grumpy I would laugh along and shrug it off. Now, I don't know what happened in the process of giving birth, if all of my hormones had a big meeting and decided to cause some absolute mayhem every month for a week. Sorry Austin.

3) Poosplosions. Do I even need to say anymore?

4) Going bald. Or, if you want the technical term, Post-Partum Hair Loss. Apparently it happens to all  most women, the lush, thick, glossy hair we are blessed with begins to fall out as the pregnancy hormones that made it that way leave our body, along with all of our hair. It isn't noticeable to anybody but me (yet) and Austin, who is always asking me why there is a big hair ball in his sock.

5)The bottom of the washing basket is a myth.

6) There will be times when Fred won't stop crying, I won't know why he's crying, and after about two hours of non-stop screaming I google it, FREAK OUT, then he'll do a huge burp and laugh in my face.

7) You will spend a ridiculous amount of money on concealer and highlighters - start saving now.

8) That he will like to play a game that goes, be outside in the pram and lovely and quiet and napping, go in a shop and start screaming hysterically, go outside and be perfectly fine again. Rinse and repeat.

9) BF (Before Fred) I could take or leave coffee. Now I'm somewhat of a connoisseur.

10) The sheer, ridiculous, unconditional and indescribable love I would have for this tiny boy I made.