Oh my god. Oh my god. What? Oh my god. With Austin waiting outside the door, 'George, what does it say? Are you okay?' I opened the bathroom door and just showed him the test and burst into tears. It was those proper tears, you know, when you can't catch your breath or talk, and your throat hurts from the effort of trying.
It was just such a shock. We had always been so careful. I couldn't understand. We lay on the couch in silence with QI on in the background, until Austin eventually said 'we should go to bed.' Where he told me everything was okay and not to worry. Obviously he was right. But it didn't feel like it at the time.
When you imagine finding out your'e pregnant, you imagine it to be an exciting affair. You symptom watch and pray for your period to remain behind hell's door where it belongs. You buy a test, and squeal with excitement at the result, and do another and another and another just to be sure. You have big plans on how you will tell your other half. He will be OVER THE MOON and tell you that you are a fantastic natural earth mother and he would have no other woman bear his children. Okay perhaps I'm getting carried away.
My reaction to finding out I was pregnant is my biggest, and I suppose only regret in life. Especially now, as I watch him in his jumperoo, bouncing away, and occasionally looking at me to give me a big dribbly grin and a giggle. I look at him and I get a lump in my throat. How could I have ever felt that way about him? How could I have ever, ever contemplated anything but letting him grow in my tummy, safe and warm until he was ready to come out, and change our lives forever?
The truth is, at that moment, in January 2013, I was not a mum. I was 22. I was a student. I had deliberately picked the cheapest house I could find, because spare money was to be spent on clothes, MAC lipsticks, going out and holidays. I was about to graduate, and apply for a Masters in my subject, to avoid having to get a 'grown up' job. But when I did get a grown up job, I would have worked HARD for it, and would work my way from the bottom to the top. We had travel plans, Thailand, South America, Japan, Route 66. Although we had been together for for four years, marriage and kids were a distant dream, and something to think about when the fun was over.
But on that day in January 2013, all of that changed. Life as we knew it changed before our eyes. Austin got a 'proper' job in a bank. We began to think about moving somewhere more child friendly. I thought about the logistics of deferring the continuation of my studies. I wondered how I would work with a baby in tow, and how our current finances would stretch to everything a baby needs.
As soon as he was born, all those worries and fears disappeared. He was put into my arms and I looked at him and knew I would never need anything on this planet again as long as I had him. As long as he was healthy and well, he was mine and nothing else mattered. Everything else seemed so insignificant.
And today, we learn together. Nap times, feeding patterns, favourite toys and people. We fit into each others lives like a jigsaw. How could it be any other way? Coffee with friends requires more planning than it did previously, and I have become quite acquainted with eBay. Some days are spent doing nothing but drinking milk (him) and double espressos (me), napping and taking it in turns watching Friends and Strawberry Shortcake.
He is the single best thing that has ever happened to me, and I still struggle to believe sometimes that I am allowed to be his mummy, despite my flaws. Every single day he learns something new and I burst with pride and happiness.
I love you Freddie bum.
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