what about Fred?

What about Fred.

So, I spend a pretty large chunk of my time, both trying to decide what I want to do with my life, and applying for jobs I think I like the sound of. After deciding journalism wasn't for me, I felt a bit lost. I had always clung to writing, it was just what I was going to do, until I had to face the fact that I didn't actually want to do it. Tricky.

Now what?

Well, I got a call back this morning from an advertising internship company in Manchester, as they liked my CV, and I did a 10 minute telephone interview, and got asked to come in tomorrow to do a video CV. EXCITING. Did I say exciting? I meant ohgodohgodIfeelsicknervousohgodvideo?ohgod. 'Are you free to come in tomorrow?' She asked. Well no tomorrow I am actually very busy but obviously I said YES WHAT TIME I'LL BE THERE 2 HOURS EARLY.

But what about Fred?

Was my first thought. Firstly, who will watch him while I go for the interview? Then, who will watch him for the three months that I am actually there? Then, but who will watch him if I actually get a job out of this? Followed by a barrage of thoughts. Do I want a job? Do I want to leave him? Could I? Freddie is my number one utmost priority at all times, and any decision I make has to be the best thing for him. I have to weigh up being a good role model for him regarding working and ambition, vs being there for him every second of the day. The thought of missing any of his firsts fills me with dread. At almost 6 months old I haven't been away from him for a day of his life, and have witnessed the first smile, the first laugh, the first tastes, rolling over, sitting up... then what? Crawling, steps, words. Would I miss all of that? They won't come round again.

Such a headache. A mammoth, mum guilt head ache. I know I want to work, I have to. I love staying at home with Freddie, but I also know I need to work, for me. So that the last decade of my life slogging my guts out in education and unpaid work experience roles weren't for nothing. But when I sit down and think about what day to day life will entail, it makes me sad. When will I see him? After the commute, I will have an hour tops with him before bedtime. And weekends. I'd feel a bit like a weekend parent. I don't want that.

But, I also don't want to be 50 years old, with my children grown up around me, doing their own thing, and my (eventual, COUGH AUSTIN) husband in a good position in a career he has loved. I love my son, and I love Austin, but a born housewife I am not.

What do I do?